I can be your hero
by Black-beauty13
Summary: The avengers protect each other from unconventional enemies. Meant to be a little silly.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: A bit of light hearted humor(hopefully) to get over my writers block. This story is completed, so there will be regular updates. Would love feedback_

_Disclaimer: I do not in any way profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator._

Tony has seen a lot of strange things in his life, and to be fair he's either directly or indirectly responsible for most of them but the sight of the mild mannered Dr. Bruce Banner standing on top of his dining table clutching a table knife in hand and a newspaper in the other and has to make the top ten, easily.

"Hey Bruce," Tony says cheerfully as he makes his way over to the coffee pot, because he can roll with the unexpected. It's one of his best qualities. "Is this some new form of anger management?"

Bruce croaks something unintelligible at him.

"Huh?"

Bruce clears his throat and tries again, with the same result. Tony takes a closer look and realizes with a shock that the other man looks absolutely terrified. He feels his good humor leave immediately, "Are you okay? Were you attacked? JARVIS, scan the room for any intruders immediately and alert the others that there's an emergency."

Bruce finally succeeds in clearing his throat and says, "Behind you…spider!"

"Spider?" Tony turns around and sure enough, there's a spider scuttling around on the counter. It looks small enough to fit on the tip of his finger. "Really, Bruce?"

Bruce shrugs, but makes no move to climb down off the table.

"Fine, I'll get rid of it." He reaches up and grabs the newspaper from Bruce's grip and goes to swish it.

"No, don't kill it please. I saw one get killed one once and these tiny baby spiders climbed off its back and filled the room."

"Doc, this one looks like a baby itself."

"Just please don't."

"Alright, feel free to stand up there as long as you want. My dining table is your dining table. And if any of the others object to your feet being in the same place as their food, that's their problem."

"Could you maybe trap it or something?"

Tony obliges. He can be helpful too, another one of his nice qualities.

Some of the color returns to Bruce's face and he climbs down somewhat unsteadily just as Thor bursts into the room, wielding the Mjölnir. He's closely followed by Steve and Clint. Natasha follows a second later, in uniform and not a hair out of place. Tony makes a mental note to ask her how she always does that, possibly when she is in one of her rare mellow moods.

"The threat has been contained," Tony announces proudly, indicating the upturned coffee cup to the group.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for the reviews, made my day! Warning for...mention of homosexuality? It's not explicit(or true for that matter...you'll know what I mean when you read it) or anything so unless you have a big problem with the concept itself, you should be fine._

Steve winced as Clint viciously poked at his cereal yet again. He had already ground it to a fine powder, and it looked like he was attempting to crush it into microscopic particles now. He wondered if a comment about not playing with food would be well received. Of all the avengers, Steve actually found Clint the hardest to get a grasp on. He knew that the guy has an impressive military record, and was recruited by SHIELD because of it.

At the beginning, Steve was surprised that the archer had been willing to follow Steve's leadership. After all, if his time in the capsule was discounted ( and Steve thought it should be, it wasn't as if he had been doing anything useful for those seventy years), Clint was over a decade older than him and had been a soldier a lot longer. But the archer had easily accepted his assigned role in the team, without any resentment or posturing. Steve had realized that the man liked being in the background, doing his work quietly and efficiently and resented public attention with a vengeance.

"Please stop," Tony snapped at Clint from the other side of the table.

Clint looked at him defiantly for a few seconds, and then sighed and put the spoon down.

"What's got your panties in a twist, anyway?" Tony asked, downing the rest of his coffee.

"Fury wants me to do a press conference," Clint said sullenly.

"So? Just stand in the background and glare at the reporters like you normally do."

"A solo press conference."

"Why?"

"Fury wants to keep us in the news, and after the first fifty or so interviews with you and Captain America, people are bored."

"Bored by me? Impossible." Tony smirks, "So why not Natasha? Or Bruce?"

"There aren't any reporters willing to be in the same room as Natasha, not after the incident with the knives last month. And since Bruce isn't employed by SHIELD, Fury can't force him."

"Right. I can see why this is a problem, you don't come across as the most charismatic person on camera. Or anywhere, really."

"I can't help it that my resting face scares people." Clints pointed out, picking up the spoon again. Steve gently twisted it out of his grasp and slid it to the other side of the table.

"No, your resting face makes you look like a pug. During press conferences you look well, still like a pug, but more like an evil psychotic pug."

Steve wondered if it was possible that Tony had somehow been born without any sense of self preservation. Steve could spot at least five objects in Clint's immediate vicinity that would make a very effective projectile. He intervened before Clint could launch one.

"When is the press conference?"

"Today, couple of hours from now."

"I'll come with you, if you want" Steve said.

"I'd like nothing better, Cap. But Fury specified I'd have to be alone."

"Don't worry about it. Fury wants to keep us in the news? He'll get what he wants."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx

Steve stepped out onto the stage with Clint, and is slightly amused when he hears a few sighs from the audience. He wasn't surprised really. When Clint talked about him giving fifty interviews in the last three months, he had only been exaggerating slightly.

"Captain," One of the braver reporters called out. "We weren't expecting you." The 'please leave' was left unspoken.

"Yes, I am aware that Hawkeye was supposed to be talking to you today. However, I feel that I cannot hold back the truth about myself any longer. I am afraid if I don't say it now, I may not find the courage again."

Most of the reporters look intrigued, and Clint nods at him gratefully as he slinks off the stage.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx

Steve is at the gym when Tony finally catches up to him and dumps a dozen newspapers over his head.

"You are secretly in love with me? All the antagonism you show towards me is born out of suppressed feelings? What the hell, dude?"

"Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else. On the bright side, the media is definitely not bored with us anymore."

Tony sighed, "You are totally explaining this to Pepper."


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks so much for the feedback...they make me happy :). Sorry about the delay._

Clint startles as he is suddenly grabbed by the shoulders from behind. Normally, that would be the kind of thing that would get the perpetrator thrown bodily about ten feet in front of him, but he can feel the circle of Tony's arc reactor pressed against his back. And really, he's getting much more used to this kind of weirdness after joining the avengers.

"What do you think you are doing, Stark?"

"Hiding. Don't move."

"No problem, it's not like we are standing in the middle of a street or anything."

Tony curses and pushes Clint to the sidewalk, keeping himself behind the archer the whole time.

Clint waits a couple of minutes, and then says. "I think this would be a good time for an explanation."

"Crazy Suzie."

"A better one, please."

"She's my ex, and completely crazy. She cannot see me, do you understand? She'll kill me."

Tony's face is smashed against his shoulder blade now, and he can feel the other man's hair tickling his neck. People are starting to look at them now, and passersby are giving them a wider berth than normal.

"Which one is she?"

"Blue sundress."

Clint whistles as he spots the girl in question. She's definitely a looker, and the sundress is showing off her legs nicely. Tony pinches him in the lower back in retaliation. "Keep your head in the game, dude. Don't be lulled into a false sense security. Last time I saw her, she attacked me with an electronic toothbrush."

"Why an electronic toothbrush?"

"Because…and this point is important, so try to keep up with me here…SHE'S CRAZY."

Clint winces as the Tony's yelling finally catches the attention of his ex. Whatever his talents may be, the guy was terrible at subterfuge. She makes her way over to them, peering around Clint curiously. Tony lets out a sound that sounds suspiciously like a whimper.

"Okay, just follow my lead. I'll protect you from the hundred pound girl." Clint tries to sound supportive instead of mocking. He's not sure he succeeds, but it's the thought that counts.

"Tony?" Crazy Suzie is right in front of them now.

Clint replies, "Sorry, Ma'am. I think you are mistaking me for someone else."

"He's right behind you."

"There's no one behind me, ma'am."

"I can see him, he's right there."

"It must be the heat, makes me see things sometimes too. Let's ask this gentleman over here, just so that you are convinced." Clint puts out a hand and grabs a guy in a suit who is passing by. "Sir, this lady seems to think there's a guy hiding behind me, I don't. Could you please help us clear up the confusion?" He pulls up his t-shirt so that his gun holster is clearly visible.

"There's nobody there," the man stammers, before scurrying away.

Clint turns back to the woman with a smile. "See, Ma'am."

"I'm so sorry, this hasn't happened to me in a while. I'll probably need to change my medication again, it's such a hassle."

"That's quite all right, could happen to anybody."

Tony finally comes out from behind him after she is a safe distance away. "That was genius," he admits grudgingly.

Clint smirks and brushes an imaginary fleck of dust from his shoulder.


	4. Chapter 4

_As always, would love feedback._

Thor glances at the item of jewelry with some doubt. It is certainly attractive, and had he been in Asgard, he would not have hesitated to purchase the item in question. But Asgardian money does not interest people on this planet, and he is definitely reluctant to use the plastic card that Tony had given him, even though he had seemed genuine in his offer for Thor to use it for anything. It is not befitting of a king to accept too much from others.

The salesman eagerly lifts up the necklace and holds it under the glittering light, "Sir, this is a fine token of appreciation for any woman in your life. This necklace has 20 carats worth of round cut diamonds, set in a lovely white gold."

"Are you certain that this would be an appropriate gift for a three month anniversary?" Thor is surprised but he knows he shouldn't be. He had realized during his brief stay on Misgard that humans placed much more importance on the marking of occasions than he had ever realized. Back home, time was thought about in centuries, in eras but here, they were marked in seconds, hours, months.

When Jane had suggested they go out to dinner to mark their three month anniversary, he had found it surprising and mentioned so to Clint.

"Yeah, well. Can't really blame us for that, Thor. We live for seventy or eighty years most of the time, not a couple of hundred millennia. Have to celebrate whatever we can."

Thor had ignored the sharp pang it sent through his heart, he often forgot just how brief his time with his new friends and his love could be.

"Tell me how you celebrate such events. I wish to make it an occasion to remember for Jane."

"Thor, I haven't been with anyone long enough to celebrate an anniversary. But the general idea is a classy dinner. Maybe pick her up a small gift or something, dress up a little, I guess."

Looking at the necklace, he has no idea if it fits the small gift that Clint had suggested.

"If you are worried about the payment, we have a zero down payment, zero interest policy. You just sign a contract and you can take this beauty home with you today. I hope you don't mind my saying, I know who you are, and let me tell you one thing about the women here on earth, they love diamonds. It's considered to be a symbol of eternal love around here."

The man pulls out a form and places it on the table, and places a pen into his hand.

Thor tries to read the paper, but finds himself confused by the language within the first few lines.

"Don't worry about reading the whole thing, it's just your typical lawyer stuff. Just says that you will make the payment in installments over a period of two years."

Thor is inclined to agree, the obsession with written contracts confuses him sometimes. The spoken word is a time honored and effective way to complete a agreement in Asgard.

He signs the paper quickly, and waits as the man packages the necklace.

Bruce, who had accompanied him to the mall finally catches up to him.

"Hey, I was looking for you. Did you find something yet?"

"Yes, a lovely necklace befitting my fair lady."

"That's great." Bruce glances at the box in the salesman's hands and looks startled, "Did you pick up diamond jewelry? It seems a little much for a three month anniversary unless you are…well, Tony."

"Yes, I believe it is a symbol of love on Misgard, this fine gentleman here has allowed me to make the payment in smaller amounts over time."

"Did he now? Mind if I take a look at that contract?"

The salesman looks alarmed."I'm afraid that's a confidential document, Sir."

Bruce leans onto the counter and smiles plesantly, "Do you know who I am?"

"I've seen you in the news, Sir." Thor notices that the other man looks very uncomfortable now.

"Well then you know that I am not a nice guy to be around when I am angry. And believe me when I say that if you don't give me that paper right now, I will get very angry."

The paper is handed over abruptly.

"Thank you, you can put the necklace back now."

Thor is genuinely confused at the doctor's reaction and remarks so as soon as they exit the store.

The other man sighs and says, "Thor, that guy was trying to scam you. I won't go into the details, but you would have ended up paying double or triple the cost. I am sure that the necklace was beautiful, but really a bit excessive for the occasion. I would suggest chocolates or roses…also symbols of love. And by the way, I've met Jane. Just giving her Mjonir to study for an hour or two would be a much better gift than any of those for her."

"I hope you do not mind my saying so, but you humans are very confusing at times."

"You aren't wrong about that."


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's note - I am so sorry about the delay. No excuses other than me being lazy_.

"No," Agent Romanov said firmly, leveling a look at the Scott that made him want to run for the hills. This was not what he had in mind when he was told by his superior that he would be working closely with the legendary avengers.

He grimaces but doesn't back down, "Agent Romanov, I was told to speak to Captain Rogers."

"I bet you were. Let me repeat, no. You and your scientists will not be turning him into a lab rat. I don't really care what you think the serum is going to tell you now all of a sudden that hasn't been discovered already, but at any rate, tell your scientists that human experimentation went out of style a long time ago."

"One of our scientists has an exciting new hypothesis…" Scott falters as he notices Romanov's hand disappear into one of her numerous pockets.

"Do I need to tell you exactly where you can shove your new hypothesis or can you use your own imagination?"

Their conversion is interrupted when Agent Barton drags a chair so it is situated right between them, carefully balancing a bowl of popcorn in the other hand. He settles into the chair and happily grabs a handful of popcorn from the bowl. "Don't mind me, just here to watch the show. They are playing Saw in the living room, but honestly, that's just not gory enough for me."

Scott decides that discretion is the better part of valor and haltingly takes a few steps back, "Maybe I'll just come back later."

"Hey, where are you going, I just got here." Agent Barton sounds indignant.

Scott turns around quickly, only to find Agent Romanov has somehow moved so she is standing in front of him again. She is so close that he can see the individual red hairs fluttering around her forehead. "No, you won't be coming back later. Get one of your brilliant scientists to contact Dr. Banner and he'll decide if it's necessary or not. And by the way, also tell them any and all tests will be conducted here."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"I assume you know the way out?"

As Scott hurries away, he can hear Agent Barton remark, "You are getting mellow in your old age, Nat."


	6. Chapter 6

_Sorry about the delay..but the final part is finally up :). I would love to know what you think of the story so please read and review._

_Warning: There's some profanity in this part._

Fury pinches his nose in an attempt to stave off a headache. "All of them?"

"Yes, sir." Coulson responded with a straight face, but Fury could see the amused twinkle in his eye.

"We are talking about the same team here? The team that took down Loki's army? The same team that has successfully protected the earth against twenty six major threats in the last three months?"

"Yes, Sir."

"And all of them are scared?"

"To be fair, Sir, I think Dr. Banner is quite unafraid of the creatures, but he assures me that the other guy is terrified of them."

"Barton? Romanov? They are trained agents, for God's sake"

"You have read Barton's file, Sir. After the debacle at Juneau, I'd be more surprised if he wasn't afraid of them."

"Oh, that's right, I had forgotten about that."

"And Agent Romanov is allergic."

Fury knows he has done some questionable things in his life and can't help wondering if this is Karma's way of paying him back. He tries again, somewhat desperately, "Thor? Stark?"

"Thor told me that as a king, he has learnt not to engage in battles that will end in a certain defeat. He also told me that countless rulers have lost everything trying to battle these vicious creatures in Asgard. Stark just climbed under the dining table and refused to come out."

"Captain America! There's no way he backs down from a fight."

"He says that as a leader, he has to act in the best interests of the emotional welfare of his team."

"For fuck's sake!"

"Yes, sir."

"Rabbits!"

"Yes, sir."

"The world's greatest heroes, our only hope against all the dangers from all the dimensions out there are afraid of a bunch of giant blue rabbits! What on earth are we supposed to do now?"

"Our initial analysis of the creatures seems to show little to no destructive tendencies, and they seem to be easily distracted by shining items. I would suggest we leave the avengers out of it and just herd them into an enclosure or something. I have a team ready to go."

"All right, Agent. Get to it."

Fury sighs and leans back in his chair. He really needs to look at alternative options to deal with future breaches of national security. He wonders if the team working on recreating the Teseract has had any luck.


End file.
